Monday, August 17, 2015

Empty-handed and free

Top: H&M (similar)// Lace cardigan: Azkara (similar)// Pants: Kohl's (similar)

Since May, when I walked off stage with my cap and gown, life has felt out of control. Everything I try to get a grip on feels too heavy (even my iPhone, which took a plunge to the cement-- now sporting chips and cracks). And yet, with clenched fists, I keep trying to hold on to it all. Over and over, I do this and I am left exhausted and frustrated-- my hands and heart aching. 

Things that should leave me with joy, leave me drained: graduating college, planning a wedding, getting a job, even . . .writing. We have a vision of how things will look and go, but eventually that vision begins to blur. Mid May was the start of my vision's blur and now I'm left with a smudge I can barely make out. But it's this smudge and my slipping grip that's saving me. I was never suppose to hold onto anything. When I finally listen I hear God saying, "Child I hold everything, including you, release your grip. It is okay. Release your grip."

It is okay to just be. It is okay to write only a few words when that's all you want to say. It is okay for your vision to blur.  

And so, I am releasing everything-- letting it all hit the ground and shatter into pieces. Pieces I know I cannot make out, which is both terrifying and freeing. I tried so hard to be in control by holding on, as if it that showed I wasn't giving up. But here I am empty-handed, knowing I am weak and I have never felt more free. Because those pieces are not left to be walked over or stepped on, but picked up by the one who holds everything. 

2 comments:

  1. I don't know how I missed this post when you published it, but it is so beautiful! I needed the reminder that when things get too heavy it's ok to let them go. Sometimes inspiration to write isn't there for me either- and in those moments it's best just to step back I think. Thank you for your words- they encouraged me this morning!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad you were encouraged! It's amazing what happens when you just sit still and realize God has all of it.

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